Day 10

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Okay, this one is a 2 part...I couldn't decide which one was more important.

First of all, this isn't about a person per se, its more about something I am angry about that I need to let go. (2 somethings) And after I write this blog, it's over and done with and I am letting it go.  To hold on to this anger for 17 years and for 10 years, is unhealthy, in fact, it's toxic.  I am choosing now to write about it and as I do, let it flow out of my body.

First, Someone in my life that I hold a lot of anger towards is my ex-husband.  I was not a good girlfriend, I cheated...I did a lot of lying, but when we got married, I vowed to NEVER do it again, then, out of the blue, when we had been married 4 weeks, he cheated on me.  I was in basic training, busting my ass to make a life for us, and he was mooching off my dad, living with him, and cheating on me.  He likes to tell people I cheated on him, and I did, AFTER he cheated on me and not until 4 months AFTER the fact, when shit didn't get better.  He also likes to tell people that I got kicked out of the Air Force, or better yet, that HE got me kicked out.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  If you get KICKED out, you do NOT get an honorable discharge.  And I have the DD214 to PROVE that I got an HONORABLE discharge.

As far as my anger towards him goes, I am choosing at this point to let go of anyone and anything that is close to him.  I am sorry that I have to do this, but until my "friends" that are choosing to be close to him, I cannot have them in my life, or close to my life, as I feel it feeds the toxicity.

2nd, and this one goes back 17 almost 18 years.  As a mother, I hope that I never say the things that a mother of an ex boyfriend once said to me.  She actually damaged me.  A woman I looked up to, and loved, and who claimed to be a god fearing, christian woman once asked me the following question when she found out I had slept with her son, "What kind of diseases could you have given him?"  Now, as a 15 year old girl, I was hurt, angry, crushed, and totally demolished inside.  I had just lost my virginity to her son, and he had lost his to me, and even after I told her this she continued to berate me, and belittle me.  I HATE YOU.  I honestly can't say this about many people, but I hold a lot of hate, anger, and resentment towards this woman.  I can only hope that I can learn from her rudeness, and pray that I NEVER say anything like that to a girlfriend of my sons.  I hope that I never spit out such things in the heat of the moment and NEVER take the time to apologize, because that is honestly all it would have taken to ease the sting of such a hateful statement to a fragile teenage girl.

I love you.  I can only love you as Christ loves us if I want to be a better person.

Thanks for reading everyone <3

Ally

Day 9

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

BFFE...we always said we were best friends forever... 

Forever is a long time to be friends with someone, for them to put up with your shit, for you to put up with their shit.

We have been "best friends" for damn near 20 years, I am pretty sure it has been 20 years.  

I got married, joined the Air Force, got divorced, got out of the military, got remarried, had kids, and she moved to Nashville.

When she needed me most, I had bailed on her, when I needed her most, I didn't know how to get ahold of her.  Regardless, we were still best friends.  We could pick up right where we left off, or we could start over.  

We did just that, which one, I am still not sure.  I miss her.  I miss our conversations on the phone. I miss our annual trips home, our laughs, our sleepovers...I am sorry we drifted, I am sorry I wasn't there for her.  I wish life wasn't so "complicated."

Day 8

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Where do I go with this one?

There were a lot of people when I was younger, that treated me like shit, or that made my life hell.  I would hate to pick just one.

To the girls who, in high school, thought they were better than me, because they were more popular, or prettier, or had great boyfriends, whatEVER you thought made you better than me, I see now, just made you ridiculous.

You were rude, hateful, mean, and it made you ugly.  Not necessarily on the outside, but it made you an UGLY person. I may not have had as much money, as many friends, driven the best car, but you know what I can always say that I was never intentionally hateful or mean to anyone like you were.  I tried to right my wrongs, and tried to always be nice to people.  I realize that a lot of these girls, (and some males) have probably changed, and might be great people now, but, regardless, you should know that you made my life hell, and you made me feel like shit on a daily basis.  I never felt good enough.


Now, I know that it truly was the other way around.

Day 7

Day 7: Someone who made your life worth living for.

When I had JJ, I found my reason for breathing again, I mean I enjoyed my life, but I really realized when I took my first look at him that I was MEANT to be a mom.  Having Logan just reinforced it all over again.  Knowing that I can kiss all the hurts away (at least for now) be the one they depend on and that I may let them down at times, but I will always be their mommy.

This one might not be too long but what more do I need to say about my reason for living?

<3 Ally

Day 6

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do

I hope I never have to outlive one of my children.

Recently, I have had a lot of loss.  I have had my best friend die, and how her mother coped, I will never be able to grasp.  I also lost my nephew, and his father all within a matter of months.  All 3 of these people had living parents.  These parents have strength beyond words.  I would have to be committed.  I am talking padded room, straight jacket, the whole 9 yards.  I cannot imagine losing part of myself, my boys, whom I prayed for, begged for, paid for even, are so much a part of me that if I lost one of them I would feel so totally empty I would not know what to do.

I also hope I never have to bury my husband.  He is the father of my children & my best friend.  He serves this country in the Air Force and I cannot imagine losing him, in wartime, or in peacetime.  I would be devastated trying to explain to my children how we lost their father.

"If I Die Young"

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song


Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town says he'll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove 

Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls 

<3 Ally

 

Day 5

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

This one is fairly easy, I want to make a difference.  I want for my kids to grow up with the correct morals, values, and goals.  I want them to be happy in themselves.  I want them to be happy with their choices.  I want the people in my life to WANT those things also.  I want the people around me to be as driven as I am to take the steps necessary to make that happen.

Other things not as "deep" that I want, are like, oh, I want to be happy, to be comfortable, to be content.  I don't care about "money" I would be happy with no money and an intense passion in my marriage.  I would be happy to be poor but to be loving what I am doing and who I am with.

So basically I want what everyone wants, to be happy.

Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone else for.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

  

"The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."  ~Mahatma Gandhi

I have had to think a lot about this.  I have a lot of people that need to be forgiven, and there are a lot of people that I think I deserve forgiveness from.  So, here it goes.  There are 2 really important ones, so here's the first.

What do I need to forgive her for?  For walking out on me when I felt I needed her.   For using some lame excuse for walking out on me, for lying to me about the how's and why's of it all.  I feel she is in a better place in her life now and that is important.  Mostly to me, I have missed her.  There is something about being friends with someone for 20 years, that just surpasses all expectations.  I think that even before today I have forgiven her, but this is a complete, "letting go" and a public (sort-of) forgiveness.  I hope that if and when she reads this, she realizes that it's not mean, or bashing, or any of that, and I know that I did wrong as well, but "this is me forgiving you," and I hope you can forgive me as well.

Here is the second.

What is a mother supposed to be?  Simply an egg donor, does that make one a mother?  Well, my answer is NO.  The one woman that is supposed to nurture you and care for you...is your mother.  Now, most of you will think for a split second that I am talking about Donna Kay, well I am not.  I am talking about Betty Ann, my biological mother.  Here again, most will think, "my God Allyson, she did the best thing for you and gave you up for adoption, you had a better life than she ever could have given you."  But what you don't understand until you have been adopted yourself, is the feeling of abandonment.  The questions, about your father, your heritage, here's a question..."Why didn't you name me?" WHY on my birth certificate does it say "Baby Girl Harrison?"   You didn't even love me enough to name me?  OH HELL NO.  So yes, she did do the best thing for me by giving me up (Hell, I was the only one out of 5 children she gave up for adoption) Now, If I were a pessimist, I would say why me, why was I the only one out of 5 you didn't want?  And yet again it comes down to the optimist in me and here I am thinking, well, "AT LEAST I GOT OUT."

But here it is, the main reason for this post, >deep breath< Betty Ann, I forgive you, I forgive you for being selfish, and wanting to continue using Meth, and Heroine, and to keep being a hooker...I forgive you for that, because I am a strong woman and God knows where I would be if I had lived with you or anyone else in that family.  I will never forget the heartache, the abandonment, or the anger, but I will let it go.  I forgive you.

<3 Ally