Day 4

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone else for.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

  

"The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."  ~Mahatma Gandhi

I have had to think a lot about this.  I have a lot of people that need to be forgiven, and there are a lot of people that I think I deserve forgiveness from.  So, here it goes.  There are 2 really important ones, so here's the first.

What do I need to forgive her for?  For walking out on me when I felt I needed her.   For using some lame excuse for walking out on me, for lying to me about the how's and why's of it all.  I feel she is in a better place in her life now and that is important.  Mostly to me, I have missed her.  There is something about being friends with someone for 20 years, that just surpasses all expectations.  I think that even before today I have forgiven her, but this is a complete, "letting go" and a public (sort-of) forgiveness.  I hope that if and when she reads this, she realizes that it's not mean, or bashing, or any of that, and I know that I did wrong as well, but "this is me forgiving you," and I hope you can forgive me as well.

Here is the second.

What is a mother supposed to be?  Simply an egg donor, does that make one a mother?  Well, my answer is NO.  The one woman that is supposed to nurture you and care for you...is your mother.  Now, most of you will think for a split second that I am talking about Donna Kay, well I am not.  I am talking about Betty Ann, my biological mother.  Here again, most will think, "my God Allyson, she did the best thing for you and gave you up for adoption, you had a better life than she ever could have given you."  But what you don't understand until you have been adopted yourself, is the feeling of abandonment.  The questions, about your father, your heritage, here's a question..."Why didn't you name me?" WHY on my birth certificate does it say "Baby Girl Harrison?"   You didn't even love me enough to name me?  OH HELL NO.  So yes, she did do the best thing for me by giving me up (Hell, I was the only one out of 5 children she gave up for adoption) Now, If I were a pessimist, I would say why me, why was I the only one out of 5 you didn't want?  And yet again it comes down to the optimist in me and here I am thinking, well, "AT LEAST I GOT OUT."

But here it is, the main reason for this post, >deep breath< Betty Ann, I forgive you, I forgive you for being selfish, and wanting to continue using Meth, and Heroine, and to keep being a hooker...I forgive you for that, because I am a strong woman and God knows where I would be if I had lived with you or anyone else in that family.  I will never forget the heartache, the abandonment, or the anger, but I will let it go.  I forgive you.

<3 Ally